I needed a much needed kick in the ass tonight, and thank God, Jenna was there to give it to me. So, okay...when I started this blog, I promised myself to always be honest. We all love to hear when another writer is having a terrific streak of great writing sessions...when their stories are just flowing onto the page. But lets be honest, is that all there is to being a writer?
Ummm, I have to say, NEGATIVE. There are many bad days in the life of a writer. Today was one of those for me. And I'm here to share.
So, FI... yeah, I think it's pretty obvious that I'm struggling. I'm frustrated with myself to no end. I mean, why haven't I finished it yet?? I have this great agent waiting for it--a great agent who BELIEVES in me--and I'm dragging my feet big time. Why can't I just suck it up and push through to the end?
Answer: I have no idea.
So yeah, I had to have a little talk with myself today. Why is it that I'm struggling so much with FI while my other stories are chomping at the bit to be written?? Why are they coming so easily when getting an hour of facetime with FI is so HARD?
To be honest, I think it's a combination of things.
1. I don't want to fail. Lord knows it would kill me to turn in my revisions and have D.A. say it's not right for him after all. So, yeah...pretty easy to make excuses, drag my feet, and generally avoid finishing the blasted thing.
2. This one is hard to say without sounding full of myself -- but I've changed as a writer. Grown in a lot of ways--gotten better. I want to challenge myself -- break out in all kinds of directions -- explore new ideas. I don't want to tie myself down too early. Perhaps I have. I mean, how many people get a shot with their first book? Gah, I feel like such a heel to complain about such a thing, but maybe I needed more time to really figure out what it is I want to write.
3. In that same vein, I love YA. Love it. If I had to make a choice between YA and adult, I know YA would win hands down. Is moving forward with an adult series going to ruin my chances with it? Could I even juggle both if given the opportunity?
4. Life really has sucked the past few months. But again, I've let those excuses ride for too long.
So yeah, I asked myself a really tough question tonight. Would it be better for me--both personally and professionally--to give up on FI and focus on my other projects? I have to be honest...yeah, in some ways it would be.
Jenna took issue with this -- Thank God.
One of her comments really hit home -- could I really leave my characters: Drew, Gabe, and especially Maddy, hanging like that? Beneath it all, the underlying question: Can I live without them?
Answer: NO. HELL no.
So, yeah...it's a matter of going big or going home at this point. I have to finish. If nothing comes of it--if it never hits the shelves--at least I'll know I gave it my best shot. Even if it took me a LONG time to finish.
I vowed to start small and just keep working... if it takes me six weeks or six months or six years...it has to end at some point, right? (g)
I pulled up one of the scenes that needed work and made a wonderful discovery. I've had all of these ideas on how I would revise it and lo and behold, the changes were already there!! Does that tell you a lot about how checked out I've been over the past few months, or what? Gah, case in point. It even had a wonderful laugh out loud moment in there. (g) I so don't remember making these changes, but that's okay.
Other good news: I finally located that handwritten scene that I lost a while back. That too has a great line that made me giggle non-stop. AND I discovered a new scene I had forgotten all about. Good grief. Put all of this stuff together and I pretty much have the 2nd quarter finished. I just need to stitch it all together. Guess what that means? A few more scenes in the 3rd quarter and I'm done. (Granted, it still needs some major revisions throughout the entire thing, but I'm not nearly as far away as I thought at the beginning of the night.) Okay, this sounds all sunshine and happiness, but honestly, I just needed a little boost to the ole' self-confidence.
I can do this. I CAN do this.